This is a written transcript of my podcast of the same name
James Hillman once said, “Anytime you’re gonna grow, you’re gonna lose something. You’re losing what you’re hanging onto to keep safe. You’re losing habits that you’re comfortable with, you’re losing familiarity.”
These words have been resonating with me lately, and I wonder if they stir something in you too. Growth often asks us to let go, to step out of our comfort zones and into the unknown. It’s a process that can feel unsettling, even painful. But it’s also necessary if we want to gain a deeper awareness of ourselves.
You see, most people come to Gestalt psychotherapy with the hope of feeling better.
They might be facing a problem at work, the pain of a relationship ending, the grief of losing someone, or perhaps just that persistent, nagging feeling that there must be more to life than this. Whatever the reason, the expectation is usually the same—relief, peace, a better day-to-day experience.
And, in many cases, there is an immediate sense of relief. Just being able to voice what’s been weighing on your heart can be like releasing a deep breath you didn’t know you were holding. The kindness, compassion, and understanding of a therapist can feel transformative, like a warm embrace, a safe place to land. I emphasize the importance of grounding and ensuring that my clients “have enough support” as foundational to opening up and diving deeper into their inner worlds.
But as therapy deepens, something profound begins to happen. Therapy can help us to gain a clearer understanding of ourselves—how we think, how we feel, and how we behave in the world. We begin to see the patterns we’ve developed over time, the “creative adjustments” we’ve made to navigate life’s challenges. And these patterns, though they may have served us at one point, can also keep us stuck, limiting our choices and our ability to respond flexibly to new situations.
The real work of therapy, then, is about shining a light on these habitual patterns and gaining awareness of how they influence our lives. It’s about understanding the ways we’ve learned to protect ourselves, avoid discomfort, and seek out what feels safe and familiar. And it’s through this understanding that we gain more choice. With awareness, we’re no longer bound by our automatic reactions—we can choose different responses, explore new ways of being, and create more satisfying outcomes in our lives.
In therapy, this process of gaining awareness is complemented by learning new skills. Indeed, It’s not just about understanding ourselves more deeply; it’s also about acquiring the tools we need to operate differently in the world. For instance, we might learn how to stay present with difficult emotions rather than avoiding them, or how to communicate our needs more effectively in relationships. These skills are what enable break free from old patterns, get more of our needs met, and have more satisfying relationships.
The concept of the "shadow" that Carl Jung introduced is particularly relevant here. The shadow represents the parts of ourselves that we’ve pushed away, that we’ve deemed unacceptable or too difficult to face. But in therapy, we begin to understand that these shadow parts are also part of who we are. By bringing them into awareness, we can integrate them into our understanding of ourselves, freeing up some of the energy that has been engaged in keeping parts of ourselves hidden, and enabling us to feel more whole.
When I work with clients and their shadow selves begin to emerge, I encourage them to approach these parts with curiosity and compassion. In Gestalt Psychotherapy for example, we might use creative methods to have a dialogue with these different parts of ourselves. This process of integration is not about becoming someone different but about gaining a fuller understanding of all the parts that make up who we are, so we can choose our path more consciously and effectively.
Now, I started today’s episode with a quote from James Hillman, a thinker whose work I’ve been deeply immersed in lately. Hillman, a disciple of Carl Jung, developed what he called archetypal psychology. He suggested that what we often label as "pathology"—things like anxiety, depression, or compulsions—are not just symptoms to be eradicated. Instead, they might be something much more profound.
Hillman believed that our psychological symptoms are the gods returning. It’s a bold and perhaps controversial idea, but it also suggests that our mental health struggles are meaningful. They’re not just random or unfortunate; they’re trying to communicate something to us. Something deeper.
When I’m in a state of suffering, I’ll be honest—I just want it to stop. I want relief. But Hillman challenges us to consider that our suffering might be an indication that there’s something we need to learn. Something about ourselves, or perhaps our purpose in the world.
Imagine that. Our suffering as a kind of initiation, a way of engaging with the deeper layers of our existence. It’s a radical shift in perspective, but one that can be incredibly empowering.
For the past 15 years, I’ve also been deeply engaged with Buddhist practices, and Buddhism offers its own profound insights into suffering. Central to Buddhist teachings is the concept of dukkha, often translated as suffering or unsatisfactoriness. Buddhism teaches us that suffering is a natural part of life, arising from attachment, ignorance, and craving. But rather than fleeing from it, Buddhism encourages us to face it directly, to see it as part of our path to spiritual growth.
In therapy, these teachings can be especially relevant. When we begin to examine our attachments and fears, we inevitably encounter the pain they cause. But by turning toward this suffering with mindfulness—with a gentle, non-judgmental awareness—we can begin to transform it. We can see our suffering not as a failure, but as a teacher.
If we find ourselves in a state of dukkha, we might ask, "What is this trying to teach me?" We live in a world that often tells us that life is about fulfilling our desires, about constant pleasure. But the Buddha discovered, that this pursuit only leads to more suffering because nothing we desire can last forever.
Instead of running from our dissatisfaction, perhaps we can see it as a guide—something that pushes us to seek a higher purpose, a deeper satisfaction. Maybe our dukkha is pointing us towards something greater, something more meaningful. And with this awareness, and the skills we develop in therapy, we can begin to make choices that lead us toward a life that feels truly aligned with who we want to be.
So, as we begin to wrap up today’s episode, I want to leave you with a final thought. James Hollis once suggested that when we’re in states of acute suffering or meaninglessness, we should ask ourselves, “What is needing to find expression through me?”
It’s a powerful question, isn’t it? What is it within you that’s trying to emerge, trying to be heard? Our suffering, our shadows, our dukkha—they’re all part of this process, part of what gives us the awareness we need to make conscious, deliberate choices about our lives. And with the skills we gain in therapy, we can navigate this journey with greater confidence and clarity.
My name is Paul Whitehead. I'm a Gestalt Therapist working in Glossop, central Manchester and online. I’m passionate about Gestalt because it provides a genuinely holistic approach to human flourishing. I have found my approach works especially well with people who:
Are pretty self-aware but get stuck in their head
Feel anxious and get stuck in patterns, stories and ‘overthinking’
Are grieving or facing a life-limiting illness
May be confronting spiritual or religious problems or crises
Feel like they may be at a crossroads in their life and want to explore the next step
Are dealing with trauma, depression, shame or anxiety and don’t know where to turn.
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